chapter Nine
The next morning, I woke up in a panic. I dreamt that Brett left in the middle of the night. He told me he didn’t want to be with me. That I wasn’t worth the trouble. Not that I hadn’t heard that many times before but it completely tore me apart coming from Brett.
I breathed a small sigh of relief when I realized Brett was in bed with me. He must have snuck in sometime during the night while I was asleep.
He stirred. “Is everything okay,” he asked still groggy with sleep.
“I had a nightmare,” I replied but didn’t elaborate.
I was surprised, and hopeful, when he gave me a kiss on the cheek before he rolled out of bed.
“Do you have anything I can cook for breakfast?” he yelled from the bathroom.
“We have eggs and bread for toast.”
He didn’t say anything else as he headed for the kitchen. I rolled out of bed and followed him. He was already removing items from the refrigerator in a flurry of activity.
“You have everything I need to make Fresh Toast,” he said. “Even cinnamon.”
If we had cinnamon, it was probably because Winter needed it for one of her witch potions. I’d never seen her cook.
“I love French Toast,” I said eagerly.
“I was hoping you’d say that.”
Brett still wasn’t looking at me. I knew what I had done the night before was probably unforgivable but I wanted more than anything else for him to forgive me. But did I even deserve his forgiveness? Did I even deserve Brett at all? Did I deserve to be loved by him?
It didn’t take long for the apartment to fill with the wonderful smells of cinnamon French Toast. Brett definitely knew his was around the kitchen. It was one of his many talents.
I set two places at our small kitchen table and Brett brought over the pile of French Toast. Of course, it was enough to feed an army.
“It looks great,” I said.
“Thanks.” Brett still wasn’t quite himself. I knew it was going to take a lot for him to trust me again, if he ever could, and that made me miserable. I sighed.
He glanced up at me and said, “There’s somewhere I’d like to take you today.”
“Okay,” I agreed, thinking he’d elaborate but he didn’t.
***
A few hours later, Brett was driving us out of Phoenix on Highway 60. He was quiet, deep in thought. It made me nervous because he wasn’t sharing what he was thinking and I was afraid to ask. I didn’t want him to share his disappointment in me and I definitely didn’t want to hear that he was ready to end things between us, which I had a horrible feeling might be coming.
As we got further out of the city, and out of civilization, I began to wonder why Brett was bringing me out this far into the desert. There wasn’t very much between Gold Canyon and Globe, which was almost 50 miles away. And the stretch of highway to get to Globe was treacherous and scary, with steep and windy mountain passes. It was a stretch of road I would never drive myself and didn’t even like being a passenger on the drive.
Brett pulled off the road at one of a few small areas where there was actually space between the road and the steep cliff below. This definitely wasn’t a place I found conducive to sightseeing. I didn’t want to get out of the car.
But Brett didn’t make any move to get out of the car, either. We just sat there in silence for what seemed like an eternity but was probably only a few minutes.
“This is where my mom died,” Brett said finally.
I looked over at him but he was staring straight ahead. He continued. “This is where she drove off the cliff.”
Oh, God. I didn’t know how much more I wanted to hear. She was driving drunk. She drove off a cliff. Was it an accident or did she mean to kill herself? My stomach was already churning.
“Like Thelma and Louise,” I blurted without thinking, because it’s one of the things I’m so good at.
He actually gave a stiff laugh. “Except that she was alone in the car and she wasn’t on the run from the police.”
I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. Everything he had told me about his mom was so horrible and tragic, it was hard to swallow.
Without another word, Brett put the car into drive, pulled a U-Turn and headed back to Phoenix.
“There’s somewhere else I want to stop.” He didn’t wait for my response before he turned off the road.
A sign said: Boyce Thompson Arboretum. We pulled into the driveway and headed for the parking lot, which only had a few cars.
“I have no idea what an Arboretum is,” I admitted.
Brett parked under a tree. “Guess.”
“Well, knowing you, it’s probably some kind of garden.”
“Pretty good guess.”
The Arboretum was more like a nature preserve with numerous gardens and nature trails connecting the gardens. It was a beautiful day, great for a walk through nature, but I wasn’t exactly wearing the appropriate footwear.
“You could have told me to wear hiking shoes.”
“I wasn’t planning on coming here but it was one of my mom’s favorite places.”
I made a mental note not to complain about my footwear again.
The place was beautiful and serene. I could certainly understand why Brett’s mother loved it so much. Brett didn’t say much for most of the hike but he did hold my hand the entire time, which I thought was a good sign.
As we got near the end of the main trail, there was a small but lovely lake. It was quiet and peaceful, so we sat down on a bench near the water’s edge.
After a moment, Brett spoke. “My dad still feels guilty about my mom’s death. It was eleven years ago and he’s still not over it.”
I didn’t know what to say so I just let him talk.
“I didn’t know my mom’s parents. They both died when I was a baby. My dad told me they were alcoholics. A few years after my mom died, when I was in high school, my dad and I talked about it. He told me that my mom was physically and emotionally abused by her parents and the abuse ruined her life. He didn’t realize until they were married and had me how damaged she really was. She was broken. Dad cried when we talked about it. He tried everything but he just couldn’t help her.”
When Brett looked at me, he had so much pain in his eyes, it took my breath away. I knew then that he wasn’t just talking about his mom. He was talking about me, too. He wanted desperately to fix me. He wanted to save me because he wasn’t able to save his mom.
“You can’t fix another person, Brett. People have to fix themselves.”
We both looked at each other for a long moment. “I know,” he said finally. I could see his eyes were starting to get wet with tears.
I leaned over and gave him a hug. He grabbed me with such force, the breath was pushed from my lungs. His grip was so tight, it felt as if he would never let me go, I would die right there on the spot.
“I love you, Anna,” he whispered into my ear. “I just wish that was enough.”
That completely broke my heart. I started sobbing. “It is enough,” I managed to get out between sobs. “It is enough.”
Brett held my face in his hands then gently wiped away my tears. “I love you so much.”
Then he kissed away the tears on my cheeks. “I don’t deserve you,” I confessed.
“That’s not true.”
“I’m a complete mess. And I’m flawed. And broken. Just like your mom.”
Brett gave me a soft kiss on the lips. “Maybe I love your flaws.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Maybe they are some of my favorite things about you. Especially sixty-eight, rude, and seventy-two, crude.”
“You remember all of my flaws?”
He nodded. “All one hundred and twenty six of them.”
“Did anyone ever tell you that you’re amazing?”
He shook his head.
“No one?”
“Never.”
I wanted to ask: not even Becca, but I restrained myself.
“Well, you are amazing.” I gave him a kiss on the cheek.
“Well, I’m glad you think so.”
***
We spent the afternoon in my bedroom engaging in lots of make-up sex. I had no idea how amazing make-up sex could be. Or maybe it was just sex with Brett in general that was so amazing. Anyway, I started to get extremely sad as the evening approached and I knew it was time for him to head back to Palo Alto.
“Don’t worry,” Brett said as I stroked my cheek. “We’ll see each other in Las Vegas for Sarah and Sean’s wedding.”
I nodded even though I felt sick at the thought of waiting another week to see him again.
“Have you ever been to Las Vegas?” he asked.
“Once, with my family. I was like ten, so I don’t think I got the full experience. I haven’t been there since I turned twenty-one.”
“It’s fun. I already know a few places I want to take you.”
I nodded. “One of them wouldn’t happen to be a garden, would it?”
He grinned. “You know me too well.”
***
Brett left early Sunday morning. He said he needed to get back because he was working on another big project and had fallen behind. I immediately felt guilty that I might have contributed to his falling behind at work.
I sat in my room and did a lot of thinking. One phrase kept playing over and over in my head. There needs to be more consistency between who you are and what you do.
What was I doing? Was I trying to be a better person? Was I trying to fix the broken parts of myself?
None of the above. I was still a hot mess, who didn’t deserve someone like Brett. But I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be better for him. But I wanted to be better for myself even more.
***
On Monday morning, I found myself walking into my brother’s office.
“What’s up?” he said when he looked up from his stack of papers.
I cleared my throat. “Um, I thought I remembered you saying something about us having access to an EPA counselor.”
He grinned. “You mean EAP counselor, Employee Assistance Program? It’s part of your health insurance. You have six sessions. Why? Do you want to go to counseling?” He actually seemed a little excited to hear me mention counseling. Was it that obvious that I needed help?
“I thought I’d check it out,” I half-mumbled trying to act casual but failing miserably.
“I think you should.” My brother’s eyes were warm.
I was surprised when a smart-ass comment didn’t pop out of my mouth. I just said, “Thanks” and headed back to my cubicle.
***
The counselor made me take what she called an inventory about my drinking. When we talked about some of my responses to the questions, she asked me straight out if I thought I had a problem and if I thought about quitting.
“I definitely have a problem,” I admitted. “But I’m not sure I’m ready to quit.”
“Thanks for being honest. Admitting you have a problem is a big step but you’ll only be able to give up drinking when you’re ready.”
“How will I know when I’m ready?”
“When you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
I sounded like a cutesy cliché but it made a lot of sense.
***
I didn’t hear much from Brett through the week. As usual, he said he was busy with work, busy with another major project, busy with the things that didn’t include me.
I spent my time reading self-help books that Winter brought home from the New Age bookstore. Some of them dealt specifically with overcoming addiction and some of them were about building self- esteem. Although I was never much of a reader, I devoured all of them.
By Thursday night, when I hadn’t heard anything from Brett, I decided to phone him. We were supposed to be meeting late Friday afternoon in Las Vegas and I wanted to finalize our plans.
“Hey,” Brett said when he picked up the phone. He sounded tired.
“I’ll be in Vegas tomorrow at about four in the afternoon.”
“Okay,” Brett responded. He sounded funny but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
“Your flight gets in at eleven?” He had already told me he got in early. Apparently it was much cheaper than the afternoon flights.
“Yeah, then I’m meeting an old friend for lunch.” There was something about the way he said old friend that made me feel like he was holding something back.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
He didn’t respond right away, which made me nervous. “Yeah, I’m just tired.”
“I can’t wait to see you.”
“Me, too,” he confirmed but it wasn’t as enthusiastic as I expected or wanted.
“Okay, then, see you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow, Anna.”
And that was it. He hung up and my heart sank. I felt like I was getting the brush off. But why? It seemed like we had worked things out the previous weekend. He even told me he loved me. But I had gotten drunk and thrown myself into the arms of another man. Maybe he was having second thoughts about being with me. I couldn’t blame him.
But I felt like there was something more. Something I was missing. I fired up my laptop and hopped over to Facebook. I froze when I saw Brett’s profile page. There was a post on his wall from Sweater Vest: Looking forward to seeing you in Vegas!
I felt my stomach clench when I realized Becca was the old friend he was having lunch with the following day. I wondered if Sweater Vest was going to make a move to get back together with Brett. That would explain why he was so busy all week and why he brushed me off on the phone. The only way I would know the truth was to see Brett for myself. She may have been the better match for him but I at least deserved to be told the truth.
***
It was two o’clock by the time I got checked into my hotel room. I set my alarm a few hours earlier than I had planned because I wanted to get to Las Vegas as quickly as I could. I needed to confront Brett and get to the bottom of whatever was going on. Now I was about to find out.
I headed down to the lobby and was about to make my way down to the myriad of restaurants and shops when I caught sight of Brett walking out of a well-known Chinese food chain. And Sweater Vest had her elbow interlocked with his. They were both talking and laughing. They were so into each other, neither one of them noticed they were headed right towards me.
I made sure to stand right in their path so they had to stop and confront me. When the two of them finally stopped and turned to look at me, all of the color drained out of Brett’s face. He looked like he was going into shock.
Sweater Vest gave me a look like I had just stepped out of the bottom of a trash bin. “Who’s that?” she cooed to Brett then batted her brown puppy dog eyes at him.
I was so angry and hurt I felt like my heart was going to leap out of my chest and explode.
Brett’s face was now beet red. I noticed he made no attempt to remove the arm that she was holding. When she saw me looking at their locked arms I noticed she gripped him tighter. He winced but didn’t let go of her.
Brett cleared his throat. “Becca, this is Anna. Anna, this is Becca.”
Sweater Vest made no motion to shake my hand and I didn’t bother with the formality either. I just looked at the two of them. They looked so perfect together, like they were made for each other. And the ease with which I saw the two of them interact made me want to vomit.
I wanted to tear Sweater Vest’s plain-Jane face right off.
Sweater Vest Looked up at Brett and said in the sweetest voice I may have ever heard, “And how do you know Anna?”
This was going to be good. I put my hands on my hips and waited to hear what Brett had to say about me and about us.
That is, if there still was an us!
Brett cleared his throat again. “Well, um, you know Anna went to college with us.”
Sweater Vest gave me the once over in a way that was so condescending, I could have punched her. “I don’t think we ran in the same circles,” she finally managed to say.
“We had Economics together. You sat right next to me.”
She blinked her puppy dog eyes at me. “Sorry, I don’t recall that.”
Bitch.
I glared at Brett and waited for him to say something about our relationship but he couldn’t even look me in the eye.
I gave Brett one chance to redeem himself. “Aren’t you going to tell Sweater Vest here how we really know each other?”
“Why did she call me that?” Rebecca whined.
I was now glaring at Brett. When our eyes finally met, he looked lost but he didn’t say anything. Since I consider inaction an action, I let loose.
“Brett and I f*cked each other. More than once. He was one of the best lays I ever had.”
I looked at Sweater Vest and she was gaping at me. Brad looked like I had just slapped him in the face. Good.
I turned to Sweater Vest and got right into her face. “Every time he f*cks you, I want you to remember that he was inside of me and he loved it.”
Then I turned on my heels and hurried away. As soon as I was sure they could no longer see me, I ran as fast as I could back to my hotel room.
I was shaking so hard, I could barely get the door unlocked. I just got the door shut behind me when I sank to me knees and fell apart.
I cried so hard I was nearly convulsing. I had never felt such raw emotions in my life. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and tore it to pieces. I curled into a ball on the floor and tried desperately to disappear. But no matter how small I got, I was still here. I still existed. And for a short while, I thought I had mattered to someone.
I guess I was wrong. I mattered to no one.
I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to the sound of the hotel room phone ringing.
I let it ring because I didn’t have the energy to get up and answer it. Except that it didn’t stop. It kept ringing and ringing. It was driving me crazy.
So I used every ounce of energy I could muster to lift myself up from the floor to get the phone.
“Anna,” Brett said when I answered.
“F*ck you,” I yelled and slammed the phone down.
What a waste of energy that was.
Of course, the phone rang again and I knew he wasn’t going to stop until I talked to him.
“What do you want,” I yelled into the phone when I picked it up again.
“Please don’t hang up, Anna. I want to talk to you.”
“So talk,” I said coldly.
“Is there any way I can see you?” he asked tentatively.
“Not a good idea.”
“Please,” he begged.
“If you feel bad about breaking up with me by phone, don’t. I realize I’m not smart and I don’t have my act together like Becca. I know I’m a mess and fatally flawed. I’m not a genius like the two of you but I can certainly take a hint.”
I could hear him sigh. “I’m so sorry.”
“Cut the shit, Brett, okay. I’m a big girl. I can see what’s going on.”
“Please let me see you,” he pleaded.
“Why? Why do you need to see me? Do you want another piece? Is that it? A goodbye f*ck before you get back together with your fiancé?”
The line was silent. I almost thought he had hung up on me. I was just about to hang up, too, when I heard a small sob. It was barely audible but it was there. He was crying. Shit.
“Fine,” I said not sure why. “You can come to my room.” I wasn’t even sure I wanted to see him.
“What room are you in?”
“226.”
“Do you intentionally ask for that room?”
“No, it just happens.”
“I’ll be right down.”
I went into the bathroom to see how bad I looked. I felt like shit and looked even worse. An entire tube of Preparation H couldn’t touch the bags that were under my eyes from crying. My hair was all over the place. I decided to do nothing about my appearance. I wanted Brett to see what he had done to me. Maybe it would make him suffer at bit more.
A few seconds later, there was a light knock on my door. I opened it and Brett was standing there in jeans and a Pearl Jam tee shirt. I knew he had intentionally worn it but it didn’t make me smile. It just made me sadder.
“Can I come in?” His voice raspy from crying.
I didn’t say anything, just stepped away from the door. He came in and put his hands in his pockets. I knew now that was his way of stopping himself from touching me.
“Oh, God,” he said as tears streamed down his face. “I never meant to hurt you.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “You may not have meant to but you did. You hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. I trusted you. I believed every lie you told me. I thought you were different. That you weren’t that guy. But it turns out you’re a millions times worse. Do you know why? Because at least that guy is honest about what he wants. I can handle a guy, who just wants to f*ck around, as long as he’s honest about it.”
“That’s not all I wanted,” he said softly.
“Are you and Rebecca getting back together?” I spat out.
His non-response to my question was all I needed.
“You need to leave.”
When he finally looked up at me his eyes were red and wet. “Please let me explain.”
I let out a single jaded laugh. “What is there to explain? Sweater Vest batted her little puppy dog eyes at you and said she wanted you back and I was cast aside like yesterday’s garbage. I get it Brett. I know I’m not exactly marriage material. I’m not the girl you take home to mom and dad. I’m not the girl you spend your life with and have 2.5 kids with. I’m the girl you f*ck around with until you finally find the girl you want to marry.”
Brett looked at me with so much pain in his eyes my breath caught. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Too late for that.” Brett ripped my heart out and stomped on it until there was nothing left.
“When I agreed to have lunch with Becca, I didn’t know she wanted to get back together. She told me she had made a big mistake and that she still loved me and wanted me back.”
“Did you even think about me? About us?”
“Of course.” His eyes were now filled with desperation. “Can’t you see this is tearing me up? Becca and I were together for three years. We were going to get married. When she left me, I didn’t think I’d ever be happy again. I didn’t think there would be anyone else. I didn’t think anyone else would ever love me. Until you stormed into my life. You made me feel things I’ve never felt with anyone else ever.”
“But I guess that’s not enough, is it?”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
I shook my head. “You’re not supposed to do anything, Brett. Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy.”
I thought about the last month of my life and how happy Brett had made me. I was happy and sad and pissed off and all the other things he made me feel. He opened me up like no one else ever had. I wondered if anyone else ever would. Or if I would let him.
“Is she going to the wedding with you?” I asked. I had assumed he and I would be together but I never asked. Of course, I didn’t know Sweater Vest was going to be back in his life.
He nodded.
If he was taking her to the wedding then it was obvious what decision he had made. He had already chosen her. This was his way of trying to end things with me.
“I guess we have nothing more to say to each other then.” I walked toward the door hoping he’d follow me and get the hell out of my room.
It looked like he wanted to say more but he didn’t. He kept his eyes on the floor as he walked to the door.
Before he left, he looked at me. His eyes were hollow with grief. He swallowed then said, “Please don’t think I didn’t love you.”
And then he was gone.